Bay Bay Bay

So. Today I took a risk..because it was my only way of answering the hardest questions in my life.

I am aware of how to make a relationship work and I am also aware of how easily it can crumble apart.

For months I questioned what the true definition of a relationship was. Breaking up was probably the worst thing that could have happened to my self esteem and mind, but it was the only thing to beneficially stimulate my intelligence and the only thing able to elicit questions that needed sturdy, concrete answers to.

Why did the relationship feel different? That was a very difficult question to answer. It took months of treturous thought. We still loved eachother, we still did the same things essentially. So why was I having all these questions.

I can only hope one day somebody can read this and take what I have learned and apply it to themselves, only that way can I justify months of tears and different emotions for the betterment of another.

I was having these questions because I initiated everything. It was like having a relationship with myself. I brought all this up, and he told me he was fine with our mellow relationship, it wasnt good it wasnt bad, it was okay. I let it go for a few hours, but this answer angered me, I dont try this hard to be ‘okay’. So before he left I realized the solution to the problem.

Do you know that Colbie Callait song? The one that has the lyrics…”no I cant spell it out for you…no its never gonna be that simple.” That philosophy gets you NOWHERE…you wait and you wait and hope and get disappointed and hope some more, that they’ll have some magical lightbulb light up saying, “You know what…I’m going to initiate kissing, and hugging, and hand holding today.” No guy will ever have that breakthrough. Guys are too stupid. So I spelled it out to him, and though he just listened, I feel as if it sunk in.

I said, “I’ve been waiting for you for months. You are stuck in this ‘okay’ settled place. You put yourself there. I’ve been here waiting for months, and I’ll keep waiting until you realize it. Once we both initiate we can finally move forward, instead of remaining in this okay place.  At least I know no matter what I tried, and dont you dare come up to me and tell me I’m more of a friend, because you will be the one who caused it, not me.” At this point he’s nodding, genuinely and slowly. He kept saying, “I dont know” because guys never know what to say or how to articulate words. He could only say, I dont know, and I love you.

My bringing that up, could have ruined our relationship, but he has to know that the reason we’re in the same place is because of him. Not because of me. Because I’m ready to go to the next step, as long as he is.