Bay Bay Bay

    I sign on this from time to time, mostly to see funny pictures or see Gabby Giammarco’s postings of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love.  However, I am experiencing a see-saw effect of emotion that will not seem to quit, so I figure writing on my favorite online diary may help.

    Toast to you. Person who lingers in my mind.

     That night hour comes. I lay down and shut my eyes. I cant fall asleep.  I shut my eyes and see my internal mind.  My mind consists of you sitting in a folding chair, and the minute my eyes shut, I begin unfolding a similar chair to sit next to you.  It is quiet and I stay there with you for hours until I finally reach sleep.  I remain there with you in silence.  If I were to create my mind a physical picture this is what it would be.

    Often I lose sight of my physical presence and end up in a dark internal place. I’m sick of you doing this to me.  I can shake you for months, but you creep back..you always manage it.  This is my proclamation that I am done with you. I am done with letting life pass me by. I am done with pretending to live. I am going to do what you can not, which is live my life.  You have no sense of spark or fun.  Have fun sitting alone doing nothing because I am done. I am very much done.

Two Names You Go By:

1. Amanda

2. Deco

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:

1. Blue Bra

2. Striped shorts

Do you still have feelings for your ex?

I avoid the thought of him too much to let myself care.

Have you ever been given roses?

Yes, like 1000 times. Mostly for proms, but Mike got me one at waterfire :D

What is your all-time favorite romance movie?

I’m gonna be a cornball and say Titanic. Rose and Jack were the only ones that made me believe they were really in love.

How many times have you honestly been in love?

Once and from my experience, love does more harm than good. I’m trying to change that.

Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?

Absolutely. 1000%

Have you ever had sex?

I have.

Have you ever had your heart broken?

It is by the far the most unconscionable feeling especially if it is derived from shock.

Your thoughts on online relationships.

I think it is just way too sketchy, too much risk. Now if you knew someone in person and started flirting and talking online it is much different.

Have you ever seen a guy friend as more than a friend?

Not in realllllllllllllly long time, but yes I have.

Do you believe the statement, “Once a cheater always a cheater?”

I thought about this for awhile but yes, I wouldnt be able to get past it.

How many kids do you want to have?

2, boy and girl, but say me and my husband have one too many glasses of wine one night and it resulted in a 3rd, oh well.

What is your favorite color(s)?

Indigo

What are your views on gay/lesbian marriage?

All the power to them! Some people dont descriminate against gender when it comes to love. However, it shouldnt be a church, because of the religion factor, and the uproar it would commence.

Do you believe you truly only love once?

Umm..no. However, some love is more significant. The first time you feel it, it will probably be at its most intense.  However, the first mature love you feel will probably be the only true love you feel.

Imagine your 79 and & your spouse just died, would you re-marry?

Uhhh probably not! I dont think I’d be able to move on.

At what age did you start noticing the opposite sex?

Umm 12? Before that I was the little pre-school harlot.

What song do you want to hear at your wedding?

Probably Neutron Star Collision. Mind you, I am not close to planning any of that…and the song and not traditional or dance-able.

Do you know someone who likes you?

I know of 2.

Do you like anyone?

haha I’m rather fond.

Do you love anyone?

I’m not one to jump the gun on that.

Was both good and bad. For one I forgot what sparks and butterflies felt like, so it was refreshing to experience that again. It was bad because on the other hand I didnt like feeling pressure by other people to do things I didnt want to do. However it was good because slightly intoxicated Laura is cute as a button.

in awhile. I cant say this has been a smooth summer, but I’ve made the best of it, and I cant say it hasnt been eventful.

Youre getting closer I can feel it.

I have a very strong urge to listen to Lithium, but instead I have a five hour work shift.  Looks like my urge will only grow stronger.

So. Today I took a risk..because it was my only way of answering the hardest questions in my life.

I am aware of how to make a relationship work and I am also aware of how easily it can crumble apart.

For months I questioned what the true definition of a relationship was. Breaking up was probably the worst thing that could have happened to my self esteem and mind, but it was the only thing to beneficially stimulate my intelligence and the only thing able to elicit questions that needed sturdy, concrete answers to.

Why did the relationship feel different? That was a very difficult question to answer. It took months of treturous thought. We still loved eachother, we still did the same things essentially. So why was I having all these questions.

I can only hope one day somebody can read this and take what I have learned and apply it to themselves, only that way can I justify months of tears and different emotions for the betterment of another.

I was having these questions because I initiated everything. It was like having a relationship with myself. I brought all this up, and he told me he was fine with our mellow relationship, it wasnt good it wasnt bad, it was okay. I let it go for a few hours, but this answer angered me, I dont try this hard to be ‘okay’. So before he left I realized the solution to the problem.

Do you know that Colbie Callait song? The one that has the lyrics…”no I cant spell it out for you…no its never gonna be that simple.” That philosophy gets you NOWHERE…you wait and you wait and hope and get disappointed and hope some more, that they’ll have some magical lightbulb light up saying, “You know what…I’m going to initiate kissing, and hugging, and hand holding today.” No guy will ever have that breakthrough. Guys are too stupid. So I spelled it out to him, and though he just listened, I feel as if it sunk in.

I said, “I’ve been waiting for you for months. You are stuck in this ‘okay’ settled place. You put yourself there. I’ve been here waiting for months, and I’ll keep waiting until you realize it. Once we both initiate we can finally move forward, instead of remaining in this okay place.  At least I know no matter what I tried, and dont you dare come up to me and tell me I’m more of a friend, because you will be the one who caused it, not me.” At this point he’s nodding, genuinely and slowly. He kept saying, “I dont know” because guys never know what to say or how to articulate words. He could only say, I dont know, and I love you.

My bringing that up, could have ruined our relationship, but he has to know that the reason we’re in the same place is because of him. Not because of me. Because I’m ready to go to the next step, as long as he is.

June 9, 1999-Broke my Ankle, causing in broken growth plate.

June 9, 2000- A huge rock fell on me.

June 9, 2004- I got my period…tell me thats not traumatizing.

June 9, 2008- Found out ex boyfriend was lying to me about seeing a girl he still liked…real super.

June 9, 2009- Had a customer throw a receipt at me at work.

June 9, 2010- Got into a shitty car crash.

Reasons for me never to leave my room on June 9th’s here to come.

Never lose sleep for somebody, because chances are, they are not losing sleep for you.

Never expect too much..because when you dont get perfection you will worry. expect as little as possible i know how bad that sounds. but you can not rely on anyone. everyone and anyone will be a disappointment if you expect too much. one of the hard lessons i’ve learned over the past few months…loving people is easy, as long as you dont put them up on a pedastal.